The Karlscotwhitaker Factor, part five

Karlscotwhitaker wished that he was unconscious so that he could think. So much had gone on in the past few days.

"Aaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhh!" Karl groaned in protest. "Too much! Too much!"

Here Karl fainted, hitting his head on the coffee table and immediately falling into unconsciousness and thinking. This is what he thought:

"the cuban german and american mps are after me for some reason. they have tried to kill me several times. it must be for something i have. maybe..."

Unfortunately, patient reader, Karl could think no longer as he has a very hard head and regains consciousness easily.

"I do believe I'll pay a visit to the German Cuban MP headquarters, "he said as he sped through time and space to arrive at the Cuban German MP headquarters at a quarter to three.

Secretly, outside a window, Karl devised a plan. Then he gathered forty machine guns that were conveniently at hand and put them at various strategic intervals around the building. Using his superior intellect he devised a way to shoot them off all at once. Then he shot them off all at once.

Having destroyed a good 81.793% of the German Cuban MPs, Karl decided he'd seen enough carnage for one day so he ran to the rescue of a dying MP, saved his life, tied him up, and took him home for questioning in a bucket.

When Karl had the MP safely tied in a corner of his house with several boxes and wires nearby, he knew he was ready.

"I know I am ready," he said rather slowly but strictly. "I know the Cuban German and American MPs have been trying to kill me for many months, but I don't know why. Tell me why."

"Because." said the MP.

"Because why?" karl cunningly asked.

"Just because."

"Aha! I see you've been trained to resist questioning! Well you wimpish welt, I've got something for you!" Karl slid his hand into his jacket pocket. "The Great Gazinking Worm!"

The MP started. "You're bluffing!"

"No bluff." Karl showed him the Worm.

"Oh no! Not the Worm!"

"Yes. The Worm."

"No! Not the Worm!"

"Yes. The Worm."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"The Worm."

"All right! All right! I'll talk! I'll...Oh, you people are horrible! I'll talk..." the MP whispered out of the corner of his eye. "But first let me borrow a gun."

"Well, I've only got this one here." Karl hesitated. "But as long as you give it back!" Karl cheerfuly handed the MP a loaded pistol.

Keeerrrrrrrrrrrpppppoooooooooowwwwwwwwwww!

The gun went off. The MP slumped.

"Well, now he's dead," Karl sort of implied. "Gosh," is what he said.

"How am I ever to find out what all those MPs want from me?" Karl moaned pathetically.

Suddenly he knew! He would have to wait until something exciting happened and he was about to die. Then, just before an MP shot him, the MP would tell Karl all he wanted to know and he would die with blissful knowledge.

Karl sprang slinkily from his position chewing thoughtfully on his lower lip and thinking. After hours of springing slinkily and chewing Karl had come up with a plan, and his knees and lower lip were quite the worse for it. He would go to the American MP headquarters and place himself in a drastic situation, causing the MPs to tell him all they knew.

Quickly Karlscotwhitaker took in his surroundings. He was planning. Of course at any moment he might find himself in the middle of the American MP headquarters, surrounded by American MPs, and in a very drastic situation indeed, but he was sure he could handle it.

Suddenly Karl found himself in the middle of the American MP headquarters, surrounded by American MPs, and in a very drastic situation indeed!

Karl thought he knew just what to do. He spoke. "All right you guys. I know you and the German Cuban MPs have been trying to get...you know what...from me and have tried to kill me several times. However, I've killed 81.793% of the Cuban German MPs and if you guys think you're going to get away with this, well, you've just got another thing coming."

"Think."

"Sorry, it's hard for me when I'm conscious. Sort of a mental disability thing..."

"No, you said 'another thing coming.' You mean 'another think coming.' That's the expression you're looking for."

"Hm. Really?"

"Yes. But look, tough guy. So you've killed 81.793% of the German Cuban MPs. So what? It doesn't matter. Cause everytime you kill one, there's another one that'll jump up and take his place. There's a million born every minute, and you can't kill that fast. Soon they'll be coming at you from all over. From backyards! From schools! Playgrounds! Governments! Wherever there's a cop beating up a guy! And buddy, they'll all be looking for you!"

A roar of general enthusiasm drowned out the speaker's final words. Karl stood aghast. He had been out-cooled by an American MP.

The crowd quieted.

The MP spoke again. "So okay. We know that you know that we know that you have the Secret Washington Battle Plan Papers that the President needs to take over the world. We understand the President's wants and needs for illicit and violent behavior. What's the point of all that power if you can't do whatever you want with it? And besides: Number One is the loneliest number. And we're all rather fond of the President and besides, we'd rather have him live with the blood on his hands than on ours. So if you would be so kind: the Papers, please."

Karl nearly blew up with ecstasy! His plan had worked. He knew everything now. Besides finding out why people were trying to kill him he had involved the international mafia and the President in a character-damaging intrigue. However, Karl kept his face calm.

"What a lovely place you have here. Who does your drapes?" Karl asked, stalling for time.

"Quit stalling for time." The MP casually chatted as he took out his submachine gun. Then he put his machine gun on top where it belonged. He was about to blow Karl to bits for a second time in two years when all of a sudden Karl uttered, cow-like.

"Look out! Oh gish-gosh! Someone is sneaking up behind you with a new Kazapow Laser and it looks so dangerous!"

The MPs laughed. "Ho ho! We've heard that one before, you--..." The MP who had spoken, along with all the rest of the MPs sank to the ground after this sound: Kaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaappooooooooowwww!

Karl looked up. He couldn't believe it. All of the MPs were dead and he knew enough to get shot for treason. There was, however, the matter of a group of awfully nasty-looking people with new Kazapow Lasers pointing his way. Karl recognized them. They were the remaining 18.207% of the Cuban German MPs.

Before he knew it, Karlscotwhitaker was tied in a chair with at least twenty ways to die looking eagerly in his direction. Quickly he took in his surroundings. He was in a bad bind. Of course at any moment he might hear a familiar voice in his ear, but he was sure he could handle it.

Suddenly he heard a familiar voice in his ear! "Don't worry. I've got this all under control." It was the Suspicious Looking Old Lady that he had mistaken for an MP in an earlier episode.

Just as many methods of killing were about to be unleashed, utilized or unfurled, the SLOL threw Karl out of the line of fire and stood bravely in the way. This petreified the 18.207% of the German Cuban MPs to such an extent that they dropped their implements of violence and stood amazed and aghast.

"I'm aghast!" cried out one near the front.

"Funny," said Karl, "You don't look like one." Taking advantage of the situation, he picked up a weapon and held the group at bay. The SLOL packaged all the remaining 18.207% of the Cuban German MPs in a rather large box and shipped it somewhere inconspicuous.

The two then left to look for some doughnuts to share as an after-conquest snack. Over their Bismarks they decided to go into business as Private Investigators, largely on the understandable misconception that this would allow them to investigate peoples' privates. Soon they were both happily continuing their oblivious but well-fed and happy lives in very happy places across the happy globe.