The Karlscotwhitaker Factor, part four

Ten months later, after spending most of that time in a hospital, Karlscotwhitaker was walking down Main Street to the Galaxy Grocery and thinking. A little. What he was thinking was this: Why? After forumlating that question he went on. Why did the ship he was on (the H.M.S. Gonzah) sink? How did the German Cubans find him on the deserted island? Why did they want him? What was a Texas oil-driller doing off the coast of Florida? Drilling oil? In a yacht? Why did the pirates attack him? Why were the Cuban German Mafia Personnel (MPs) waiting for him in his own home? Why did they shoot him?

By the time he had finished asking himself these questions he had finished shopping and had reached the parking lot. As he approached the center of the lot he stopped suddenly and raised an index finger skyward.

"I shall," he shouted, "partake of a quest that I may fathom the solutions to these thorny enigmas!"

Days passed. Finally Karl was truly ready for his quest. With his many sandwiches and pocket Code-O-Rammer Super Spy Kit Ring he quickly took in his surroundings. He was truly ready for his quest. However he might come upon a Suspicious Looking Old Lady, but he was sure he could handle it.

Suddenly he came upon a Suspicious Looking Old Lady! He sidled up to her to get a closer look. She had slick black hair, a curled moustache, a six-foot masculine frame, a stein of beer, large cigar, and a vintage pin-striped suit. So Suspicious Looking was this Old Lady that Karl immediately suspected her of resembling something not enirely unlike a German Cuban MP!

Karl quickly sidled home to get his magnifying glass so he could get a closer look.

Back with magnifying glass in hand, Karl carefully examined the spot where he had last seen the Suspicious Looking Old Lady (SLOL).

"Aha!" he exclaimed. "She wears size 11 shoes, weighs 246 pounds, and smokes Cuban cigars!"

After explaining how he deduced that information to interested parties he followed the trail of cigar ashes to the airport.

The airport was extravagantly snazzy. All the neat little Lear jets zooming slowly into the sunset and all the helicopters and parachutists landing in neat little piles made a truly nifty scene. Karl wondered if soon there would be no more Lear jets and far too many helicopters and parachutists, but he didn't wonder long. He spotted the SLOL getting into one of the departing Lear jets.

Just as the plane was about to take off Karl lept onto the wing and held on tightly for many majestic interludes. The plane flew many miles over much water to what Karl thought was Cuba but was actually a cloud.

Upon exiting the cloud Karl came to grips with something he had never come to grips with before: a man with a Cuban cigar in his mouth and a knife in his hand. The man was also coming to grips with Karl. The man slashed out with the knife, barely missing Karl. Karl grabbed the man's hand and twisted until the man cried.

"Ha!" voiced Karl. "You dirt-licking, purple-chested, hairy-faced, slime-nosed, sticky toothed, scumbag of a dust bunny! Take you medicine like a horse! Take that!"

And with those words Karl began spoon-feeding the man castor oil he had earlier handily hidden in his pockets. The man gagged and fell many unchested miles to the ocean below.

"That that is is not that that is not, not that that is!" Karl screamed esoterically. After screaming Karl looked down.

"Land ho!" he whispered over his chin.

The plane landed.

Karlscotwhitaker slid down the side of the plane using suspiciously inconspicuous caution. Blanketedly, he followed the SLOL through the streets, past a sign that said WELCOME TO CUBA, and up to a fashionable Cuban House.

Quickly Karlscotwhitaker took in his surroundings. He was in front of a fashionable Cuban House. Of course at any moment an MP that wasn't an MP might grab him and knock him out, but he was sure he could handle it.

Suddenly an MP that wasn't an MP grabbed him and knocked him out!

At this point we shall take a break from the sweaty narrative to inform the reader that Karlscotwhitaker when unconscious had a remarkable talent for thinking, even if only in lower-case letters. Some believe that this skill was to somehow make up for his extraordinary lack of ability to think when perfectly conscious. Then again, others don't believe anything of the sort. In any event, this is what Karl thought while unconsicous:

"the mp...why wasn't the mp an mp? i know! it wasn't a cuban german mp, it was an american mp! so the german cubans mps and the american mps are in on this together! in on what together?"

Karlscotwhitaker had no more time to think for suddenly he regained consciousness. He was in a small cement cubicle. Probably a cell in the bottom of Cuban German MP headquarters. Probably in a cell that had an air vent.

"Aha! There it is!" Karl groaned mischievously. With a single chopping action Karl was in the air vent and crawling to safety. The safety looked a lot like the head German Cuban MPs office. Karl hopped in.

"I know what I'll do! I'll place a bug in this office so I can hear what is going on!" Karl said like a red rock doesn't. So saying he carefully placed a small bug on the desk and confidently walked away. So did the bug.

Karlscotwhitaker, feeling quite proud of himself, walked out of the room and into an American MP. He quickly took in his surroundings. He was facing an American MP. Of course at any moment he might find himself tied up in front of a firing squad smoking his last cigarette, but he was sure he could handle it.

Suddenly, he found himself in front of a firing squad smoking his last cigarette!

Well, Karl wasn't about to let himself die that easily. He gauged when the gunman was going to fire, the direction of fire, wind speed and resistance, and the speed and temperature of the bullet. Split seconds before the bullet would have hit him, he dodged.

Among astonished bursts of noise, Karl broke free of his bonds, climbed the wall behind him, and vowed to give up smoking.

Here a bunch of really weird coincidences took place:

1. The wall of the building that Karl clombed happened to be the wall of the building that contained the Cuban German MP headquarters.

2. Karl just happened to have with him a super sensitive microphone (that transmitted everything it picked up to Karl's house) with a guidance system.

3. The guidance system didn't work.

4. The air vent that Karl accidently dropped this microphone down led to the head MP's office anyway.

So in conclusion, Karl did finally get the office bugged effectively.

The whole magnificant scene being finished, Karl hopped on a helicopter and putta-putted home.

The first thing Karl did when he got home was to listen to his receiver that picked up everything that his supersensitive microphone heard. This is what he heard:

"You missed him with a firing squad?"

"He dodged."

"You missed him on the H.M.S. Gonzah!"

"Well, we sank the ship. How were we supposed to know he could swim? You're lucky Agent 13 found him with the helicopter on the island."

"Lucky? The helicopter was never found and he's still alive! And your stupid Texas oil-driller stooge died, too!"

"Yeah well, I thought he could hold him until the pirates got there."

"He wiped out the pirates with a flame thrower."

"I know. We even shot him to bits at his house. We thought he'd died, so we searched his house, but nothing was there. Number 1 is going to be really ticked if we don't find it all soon."

"Any other details we should discuss?"

"We could talk about why we are trying to kill him and what we are looking for..."

Quickly Karlscotwhitaker took in his surroundings. He was about to find out why the German Cuban and American MPs had been trying to kill him and what they were looking for. Of course at any moment, he might be interrupted by someone breaking down his door, but he was sure he could handle it.

Suddenly he was interrupted by someone breaking down his door! He went to see who it was.

One Cuban German MP was waiting with a rather small automatic submachine gun inside what was left of the doorway.

"Can I help you?" Karl asked politely.

The MP attacked.

Karl sighed and killed him.