The Karlscotwhitaker Factor, part one

Karl had been dancing alone on the forecastle of the H.M.S. Gonzah when suddenly the ship lurched and he was thrown against a wall. He reeled, stood, and ran toward the captain's quarters. People were screaming cries of anguish, death and departure all around him but Karlscotwhitaker kept his cool.

"Captain! Captain Brainsworth! Are you alive? Hmmm?" Karl yelled dramatically through the recently jammed portal.

His only answer was an agonized wail coming from within: "Aagghhnnnaaageehilathneenyeenariiyeeanaran!"

Karlscotwhitaker, through sheer brute mentality and strength, managed to force open the hatch and crawl heroically insude. He could feel the ship sinking terribly as he lifted the broken mass of the captain through the tilting door and into a life boat.

"God bless you, son!" the captain called out to him.

Quickly Karl took in his surroundings. At any moment, the boat might sink and he would have to run to the highest end of the dying vessel and do a graceful swan dive into the murky depths.

He was sure he could handle it.

Suddenly, the boat began to sink! Karl ran to the highest end of the dying vessel and did a graceful swan dive into the murky depths.

As he determinedly plunged through the water, Karl realized that it might indeed become necessary to quickly take in his surroundings again.

"To heck with it!" he said and swam on.

From out of the depths a fierce shark suddenly appeared and charged toward him! Bravely, Karl swung his powerful fist. As it contacted, he could feel his knuckles grate against the abrasive skin. The shark floated to the surface.

With long, powerful, confident strokes, Karl swam delicately to an island he could see. Shortly he felt warm sand between his toes and air under his arms.

Karl's first thoughts were of rescue. "I must get rescued!"

Then however, as he realized he had a gun in a water-proof package, he had an idea. "Since this weapon has three eternally deadly accurate bullets in it, I can shoot some wild ferocious beastie for food!"

The circular island was about twenty feet across with a single tree in the exact center.

"If there is such a wild ferocious thing on this here island, I aim to get it. I bet it's behind that there tree!"

Cautiously, Karlscotwhitaker approached. With deadly accuracy he fired around the tree. He heard a scream of a fatally wounded wild and feocious beastie. "Eerrahhhhaaagghnyeeeherlyneerarguyneeachnpp!"

"Ha!" chuckled Karl triumphantly, "Got'm."

He traversed around the rock. Alone, unafraid, and amazingly hungry he faced the dead cow.

"Wow! Gee! Neat!" thought Karl slowly, "Now all I need is a fire and a really big stick."

He thought some more.

"And some marshmallows."

Later that night as he was huddled around the dead cow for warmth, a few fleeting thoughts crammed into his brain.

"I need a knife to get the meat off the cow. I need wood and matches for a fire. And I need drinkable water."

Karl then fell rapidly to sleep.

The next morning Karl found a strange package some six inches from his left pinky finger. In it he found a Sears brand Bowie knife, a box of Radisson Hotel matches, six bottles of Chippewa Spring Water, and several logs of L.L. Bean custom-cut firewood.

"How odd," thought Karl devoutly. "Oh well."

Finishing that, Karl made a fire, made six hamburger patties, ate them, drank some water, and waited for someone to see his fire and resuce him.

"There is but one dead cow on this island. For many days I must fast to conserve that which is my life: food." Karl uttered blithely between his lips. As soon as he completed his utterances he fell asleep among possible misery, danger, death and excitement.

When Karl awoke the next morning he found himself flying in a helicopter with someone pointing a Kleptz automatic gun-type thing at his hair-covered head.

"You be under arrrrest!" whispered the heavily and somewhat Germanly accented gun-toter. "One move und I beelow your itty-bitty brrrain out de veeendow!"

Thought Karl, "If this guy kills me, I'll never get home! What to do? What to do?"

Unexpectedly Karlscotwhitaker had an idea: "I'll have to think fast!" Karl thought as fast as he could.

Within the hour an idea had suddenly sprung fully formed to his brain. He lashed out with his muscular legs and knocked the gunman to the floor of the helicopter and with one or two semi-fluid motions had taken control of the said helicopter.

Quickly Karl took in his surroundings. He was in a foreign helicopter. Of course at any moment the gas might run out.

He was sure he could handle it.

Suddenly, the gas ran out! The helicopter went into a screeching dive.
"Eeeeeeesputeeeeeeesputsputeeeeeeeeeeeeeesputeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwww!"

Karlscotwhitaker was going to bail out when suddenly he hit the water. Splat. Blub blub blub.