The Karlscotwhitaker Factor, part three

As Karlscotwhitaker stepped slowly, solemnly, and yet heroically through the massive carnage he thought to himself, slowly and quietly.

"Why? Why does there have to be all this death? Why all this violence? Why all the hurt? Why the pain?"

He reached the stern and looked out, forlornly and yet masculinely, onto the great blue unfeeling depths of the ocean or sea or whatever. A sad and yet manly sigh escaped his trembling yet handsome lips. He turned and walked, gently and yet bravely, towards the bow. He looked up, about to question life in his thoughtful and yet rugged way, but was stopped in mid-look by something more exciting.

"Land! Ho boy! Land! Extremely nearby!" he yelled in his usual manner to no one in particular.

SSSMMMAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSHHHHAAARRROOOOOOOOOONNNNIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!

The ship crashed deftly into the jaded and very nasty jagged rocks, throwing Karl, tumbling and yet unhurt, onto the sandy beach. Karl saw his chance and started in once again on his tender and yet tough soliloquy.

"Why was I saved and the boat totally totalled? Was this some quirk of fate? Why? What is the meaning of life? Why is the moon so--"

Quickly Karl took in his surroundings. He seemed to be on a deserted jungle island. Of course at any moment a fierce tiger or lion might attack, ready to kill, but he was sure he could handle it.

Suddenly a fierce tiger and lion attacked, ready to kill! Karl went into action. He waited until the tiger and lion were almost upon him then jumped out of the way onto a nearby rock to watch. It was a long and bloody battle. Karl had thought that the lion would win for sure, but both animals were quite dead in the end.

"Well," Karl uttered through his teeth, "here I am alone, unafraid, hungry, repugnant, and in search of resecue, and on an island...again. Super. I might just as well investigate this deep, dark, dim, deadly, dangerous, dank, and foreboding jungle here."

Karl ran slowly into the jungle. Large trees and long green vines attempted several times to stop him, but Karl continued undaunted. No sooner had he gotten lost when he quickly took in his surroundings. He was lost on a deserted jungle island. Of course at any moment he might be attacked by a fierce jungle man, but he was sure he could handle it.

Suddenly he was attacked by a fierce jungle man! The jungle man had an axe of massive proportions while all Karl had was a wimpy penknife.

At this point it shall be pointed out to the industrious reader that, indeed, Karlscotwhitaker has never been known for his awesome feats of the intellect, but neither is he so stunningly stupid as to get into direct combat with a fierce axe-wielding jungle man when all he has is a wimpy penknife. Conseqently, Karl ran as fast as he could away from the fierce axe-wielding jungle man.

Soon it dawned upon Karl that he was on an island. If he kept running he would not get away from the fierce axe-wielding jungle man but would eventually come upon the great blue unfeeling depths of the ocean or sea or whatever.

"Well, dang," said Karlscotwhitaker.

However, Karl never did get to the ocean or sea or whatever because the next thing he came to was a superhighway. And a sign.

The sign said that there were six miles to Miami. This confused Karl to such an extent that he was forced to contemplate violence.

After devising multiple horrible ways to destroy any hope of global peace and instead establish global pieces, Karlscotwhitaker began to cogitate upon the presently confusing circumstances.

"Hmmm," thought the Man of Our Time, "Miami. How did I ever achieve Miami?"

He paused slowly. "Maybe it would help if I recalled my past adventures pretending I came to Miami in the end."

Little did Karl know, but this was where his knowledge of a few basic elements of logic, so hardwon by dint of many years of thorough schooling, would have an opportunity to be put into bold and direct practice.

And so Karl thought. Then he thought some more. When he had finished thinking, he had come up with a three day growth of beard and a theory. It went something like this:

He had been sailing from France (where he had been vacationing) to Florida (his home) upon the H.M.S. Gonzah when, quite sadly, the ship sank. He had swum to a deserted island, been captured by what he thought were Germans but were really Cubans in disguise, and would have been taken to Cuba except the helicopter crashed. He had then climbed aboard the boat and *** activity deleted *** while all the while sailing towards Florida. After defeating the pirates and cleverly ditching the jungle man, he had found this sign.

"Well, that certainly clears up some of these loose ends," thought Karl. "And as long as I'm here, I might as well go home. And since my home is in Miami, all I have to do is walk the six miles. How convenient!"

The next thing he knew, he was in front of his house. Quickly he took in his surroundings. He was in front of his house. Of course at any moment he might be confronted by Mafia Personnel and held hostage, but he was sure he could handle it.

Suddenly he was confronted by Mafia Personnel (MPs) and held hostage!

"Aha!" said one Mafia Person.

("Hmmm," thought Karlscotwhitaker parenthetically. "These MPs look a lot like the Cubans disguised as Germans that were on that helicopter!")

"Aha!" repeated the MP somewhat ineffably. "We have you now, you know! There is no escape from the MPs!"

"Except for that one..." mentioned another MP timidly.

"Quiet, you fool!" screamed the first MP wildly.

"What? Oh. Yeah. No. Right. No escape."

Karlscotwhitaker daringly went into action. He overpowered one of the MPs, grabbed a gun and screamed. "All right! Stop right there! One move and I blow you all back to Germany or Cuba or wherever you come from!"

"Cleveland."

"Whatever! Just don't move! Don't pick up that gun! Don't point it at me! Don't aim! For gosh sakes, don't shoot me!"

"Give me one good or bad reason why I shouldn't!" drawled the MP from Cleveland effectively.

"Oh, I can do that. Okay okay. No wait. Let me think. Oh! I've got it -- !"

They shot him to bits.

Pause now, delicate reader, to recover from the full implications of the last sentence. Wow. Powerful writing.

As the last MP left the house, a very wide silence, broken only by the sound of a falling diesel engine, squeezed though the open doorway and into the room.

The engine had fallen because a certain person had tried to start his truck that was not working because the engine was about to fall out. That certain person wetly grabbed the two-way radio and croaked out a message.

"Mayday? Yes, hi there. This is Karlscotwhitaker. Help. I need a doctor."